The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
