I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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