Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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