I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
