I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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