I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
