If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
