My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
