i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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