someone owes me an orgasm
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
