We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
