im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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