You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
