Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
