today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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