If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
