remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
