his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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