Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
