Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
