Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Randomize
