if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
