I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
