A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
