just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
