I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
