Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
