I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
