When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
