Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
