Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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