Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
dude. I can hear the air.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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