So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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