I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Dignity is for republicans.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize