god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
two words...techno handjob
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
