I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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