You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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