I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
