I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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