I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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