My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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