dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
