omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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