FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
