I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
