I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
