i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
