If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
