yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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