my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
