Banned from zoo.
Again?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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