yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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