I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
