I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
