God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
