I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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