I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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