Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
