He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
