god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize