Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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