Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
