Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
this beer tastes like vomit already
tonight lets celebrate not being married
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
