I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize