Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
